One of the questions asked at the regular visit to my primary care physician was “Are you, or have you been depressed lately?” My answer was a chuckle, then a “No. The anxiety is gone.”
A big lie. A good case of denial helps.
My baseline is raising. I should be joyful. Then, I see my beautiful motorcycle that is heading for the sale yard. A bike I wanted since I was a teenager. Purchased and rode for 6 months before I couldn’t stand anymore. I did put about 5,000 miles on it in that short time.
Now, it stands as a monument to the life I had and can never return to.
I drove my car to a friends the other day and was asked why I was there? My answer was “freedom.” The next question was, “Does you wife know you are here.” No, she would kill me.
I am a ward of someone else. She’s a beautiful ward, but it is the core of the truth.
Am I depressed? Hah. I don’t think that is the word for it. I am trying to build a new outlook for the future. I am focused on building functionality into my global weather tracking site. It is coming along slowly, but majestically. I’m using data manipulation techniques, unused for years. I’m amassing a bulk of data that will provide me a base to execute statistical analysis with.
After all this time, I am working on a project that involves my true analytical mind-set. I’m not even concerned if one person accesses it. I would love for it to be a standard visit for people when they are looking for weather information, but that is not the reason for the site. It is to provide a mass of data, organized and presented in such a way that the viewer can say “Yes, we’re safe,” or “No, we need to flee.” Simplicity in design. Complex in thought.
My future is one of thought as my body is betraying me.
At the end of most days, I arrive at the point where I just want the day to end. I want to curl up in my cocoon and have the disability leave me for a few hours. If only in my dreams.
My wife and I are going to renew our playhouse season tickets, in hope that I make more than one play this upcoming season.
There is an unreasonable pull that makes me desire to be a hermit. It would be very easy for me to do. All I would need to do is turn off social media. My wife and I have two sets of friends. One set is a divorced lady my wife and I have adored since 9th grade. She brings me an incredible tasting gumbo. She is one of my female friends that I can’t understand why someone would divorce. She is a marvelous person. Her ex and all the single men out there don’t know the jewel inside this lady. The other set is a man and wife that comes over and plays cards with us.
These personalities in the orbit just outside my tight inner circle of doctors and care givers, along with my beautiful wife, are those who keep the Sun hanging in the sky.
I live to watch the birds sing and fly. The buzzing of the bees are loud and clear. I’ve noticed that some flowers, like the rose, unfurl their bud to reveal their petals, one at a time, slowly showing the world their beauty. Other flowers, like lilies, are unabashedly bold. Their bulbs explode in color.
It looks like I’m going to have a fair harvest of satsumas and radishes this year. The bird feeder and bath are drawing all sorts of wildlife.
These are the things that hang the Sun.
Today, is Sunday. I will see a warm and welcoming congregation at church.
It is in the eyes of the many varied people in which I see the Sun.
My life is not traveling in darkness, but heading toward the light. Along the way, obstacles block the Sun from time to time. But, they are temporary.
I have valuable people, animals and projects in my life. Without this disability, I don’t think I ever would have seen the value of all that surrounds me.
The day will end, and I will get rest. But, until then, I want to see the Sun.
In His name,
Jay C. “Jazzy_J” Theriot