A few days ago, my cage was rattled. I was attempting to stop a naive and innocent event from causing my youngest to cry. My attempt was met with my classification as “shameful” and “pitiful.” Followed by this classification, I was given a dissertation from another member of this grouping. The subject of this dissertation was how evil I was. I would say that I have since severed all ties with these people, but my situation is more than that. I had put up my defenses years ago and started lowering them about 8 months ago, thinking a potential reconciliation was possible.
I no longer think that is possible. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, I have completely angered this faction. What ever I did, dates prior to my date of confinement. Consequently, I see the last few days as a return to the status quo.
I am no angel. That is a fact. However, am I not the only one to share blame. Frankly, I don’t know what blame there needs to be shared. They may know what started their hatred of me. The signatory event is lost to me. I want to reiterate, that I am no angel. But, I’m lost at what actions I could have committed that would have remanded me as ostracized. There I am, and will remain. I won’t let my guard down again.
Three years into this disorder being critical and we have limited answers. My daily routine includes about 2 hours during which time my pain level is below 7/10. I don’t have time to play. I have come to accept and understand continued intense and extensive pain. It milks your mind and your soul. If I seem that I regard myself “Godly” it is because I have surrendered myself to my Savior. There can be no other way. It definitely doesn’t mean I am sinless. It means I am sinful and looking for forgiveness from the only One that can grant it. I seek solace in His cloak.
I don’t know what I am doing, nor do I know where I am going. But He walks with me when it is dark, and light. For me, it is easier to see Him when it is dark. When it is light, I try to recognize His gifts in the birds, insects and flora He has granted me access to. He gives me peace.
No, I am a sinner, and I need His light in my life, always.
In His Name,
Jay C. Theriot