Nightmares and Flashbacks

I’m having flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed, restrained, my lovely bride walking beside me as we are moving through halls.  She is explaining my condition to me, the reason for the restraints, the tubes.  I hear her voice.  It is slightly a pitch higher.  This indicates to me that even though she is talking slow and steady, deep inside she is concerned for me.  She is nervous and vulnerable.  I don’t want her to worry about me, I will be fine, but I cannot talk or even notion to her.  A tear falls from my eye.  I don’t want her to worry.

I think I’m going to be up a little while longer tonight.  I’ve been having flashbacks to the intubation and my time  in the CCU.  It was not a fun event.  I don’t think I have ever been more terrified or helpless.

What terrified me was not my state, but the state I was leaving things in for other people.  What would Kathy do if I didn’t pull through? Hali? These two women are everything to me right now.  Even though I don’t show it very well, they are gold to me. I think of my dogs.  Cookie is aging and will be gone in a few years.  I’m primary with Salsa, who I received from a deceased friend.  If I go, this is the second master he looses.  It’s taken us so much work with the little pup to build him up to this point.

I remember laying in bed, transporting thinking all these things.  We hit bumps and my muscles are tight and respond to the jerks with pain. I can hear the sound of my breathing and my heart’s pace quicken and I try to think of my happy place by the lake so I don’t worry everyone with my heart rate.  I try to meditate about the lake.  My heart rate falls and I drift into sleep. God is with me and all will be fine.

Thanks for reading and God Bless,

Jay C. Theriot