Fighting for My Own Acceptance

I had another increase yesterday.  We are taking the increases in smaller doses as we approach what we think is our goal.  I agree. I feel ok when I’m not having what I call a spasmodic event.

In a conversation with my neurologist yesterday, he explained, once again that the goal was to minimize the events but not to drug me up so bad that I flop like a fish.  The truth is, that the events will never stop.

I did not realize that until I was asked a question about how the visit went. In my explanation, I had a moment of realization.  Evidently, I don’t listen to myself.  These will never end.

So, where do we go from here? Those of you that know me better than most of my family should know that I don’t like being told that something cannot be done.  Yet, I’m having to accept the converse of that.

I’m setting goals.  If I can get well enough that a vehicle ride does not destroy me, then there are some places that I would like to go.  I intend to travel. I have amassed friends in every area of the country, either through the military, or through my students leaving the state.

I could do web hosting, I have the equipment and the know-how.  However, I am very slow.  My operational hours during the day are limited, as is my movement.  I, it seems, am less dependable than my equipment.  My equipment has a very low failure-rate and it just got lower.  I have good toys, and it seems that is only what they ever will be.

I see where I need to identify and accept my limitations and figure out goals that are obtainable for me.

I will say God is carrying me.  There is only one set of footprints in the sand.  Currently, I can have it no other way.