465 mcg/day, Anger

We are now injecting 465 mcg/day into my spine.  The original estimate was  that I would need about 300 mcg/day.  Additionally, I’ve been in the acute phase for about 24 hours.  My muscles are all fried, and I’m about to go down for about an 18-hour nap.

I need to deal with my anger.  I realized after mentally reviewing the retribution from my family, that they had absolutely no concept of the situation I was in, at the time.  Even after have neurosurgery, they were callous. 

I reaffirm I made the correct decision in cutting them out of Kathy and my journey.  However, I was misguided in my belief and understanding what a family is.  Due to the lock-in status of my mom, I grew up expecting my older siblings to behave like my parents.  As an adult, I continued this belief, albeit incorrectly.  Parties I was not invited for, family gatherings, meals started before we could get out of Sunday mass; all of these events happened exactly as they should have.  I had no right to get upset.  They are not my patriarchs or matriarchs and for me to expect them to behave in a manner that is commensurate with that role is entirely my error.  It is an error that I will not allow to happen again.

First, I have to heal, or at-least get on my feet the best I can.  Things have to be stable.  Then, I can reach out and attempt to repair the damage that I did.  If I never stabilize, then I am willing to forgo their involvement in my life, unto death.

I have made strides in getting my mother to understand what my problem is.  For this, I am grateful. To have her minimize my condition was the largest life-insult of them all.  She is now understanding the veracity of it and the fact that I will never return to work.  She is working to understand the intense pain I frequently experience with this condition.

Anyway, I feel I’m rambling.  I’m physically exhausted.  I am drifting off.

God Bless,

Jay C. Theriot