We are now injecting 465 mcg/day into my spine. The original estimate was that I would need about 300 mcg/day. Additionally, I’ve been in the acute phase for about 24 hours. My muscles are all fried, and I’m about to go down for about an 18-hour nap.
I need to deal with my anger. I realized after mentally reviewing the retribution from my family, that they had absolutely no concept of the situation I was in, at the time. Even after have neurosurgery, they were callous.
I reaffirm I made the correct decision in cutting them out of Kathy and my journey. However, I was misguided in my belief and understanding what a family is. Due to the lock-in status of my mom, I grew up expecting my older siblings to behave like my parents. As an adult, I continued this belief, albeit incorrectly. Parties I was not invited for, family gatherings, meals started before we could get out of Sunday mass; all of these events happened exactly as they should have. I had no right to get upset. They are not my patriarchs or matriarchs and for me to expect them to behave in a manner that is commensurate with that role is entirely my error. It is an error that I will not allow to happen again.
First, I have to heal, or at-least get on my feet the best I can. Things have to be stable. Then, I can reach out and attempt to repair the damage that I did. If I never stabilize, then I am willing to forgo their involvement in my life, unto death.
I have made strides in getting my mother to understand what my problem is. For this, I am grateful. To have her minimize my condition was the largest life-insult of them all. She is now understanding the veracity of it and the fact that I will never return to work. She is working to understand the intense pain I frequently experience with this condition.
Anyway, I feel I’m rambling. I’m physically exhausted. I am drifting off.
Jay C. Theriot