2018 January 22

The spasticity is still high.  I managed to get a few hours of relief by using the shiatsu massage device until I killed the batteries. The relief was incredible. After I started using my muscles, the relief was short lived.  But, it was a respite.

I broke down last night.  After hours of continued pain, you loose yourself.  Mind you, this is with taking heavy meds to decrease the pain.  Without completely sedating myself, there is very little relief.  So, the internal argument is between lucidity and existing in another plane of existence.

I want to work on my weather site.  I need lucidity.

I have always dreaded loosing my mental faculties. The inner workings of my brain have always been my favorite feature about myself.  Frankly, growing up a shrimp did not lend me over to bragging about how my body was great.  It rarely ever was.

It had its high points.  Running 5K and 10K races and finishing in the top ranks was cool.  But, that was only for a few years, until I broke my ankle well enough to take me out of the game.

You get to a point where you just don’t want to hurt anymore.  This is the part that I have not written about.  It is where my shame lies.  In those times I reach out for my wife and just cry. I get exhausted and fatigued with the spasticity and trying to figure out how to deal with it.

I pray today will be the last day of the cycle.

The silver lining is that the addition of the cocktail has kept the violent spasms away this go round.  I’ve had a few minor, but only one violent one.  That one was almost funny.  I was trying to get some sleep.  It zapped my, caused considerable pain, but also, drained me of all my energy and I immediately fell asleep.  I laugh now.  It wasn’t really funny then, but, hey, you take what you can get.

Thanks, and God Bless,

Jay C. Theriot