Me. I hate what I have become. I take an enormous amount of medications in order to maintain a minimum amount of functionality. There are days when fixing myself a cup of coffee is not only my greatest achievement, it is my only achievement.
I have a family of siblings that think this my dysfunction is a sham. A few of them have seen me on my mediocre days and are starting to begin to understand. None have seen me on a bad day, save a short time that they visited me in the CCU. But, the CCU was the exception. Day-to-day, I consider almost equivalent to the CCU. The frustration exceeds that of the CCU. In the CCU, strapped to a bed, having a machine aid your breathing, you have no choice but to surrender yourself to others. Day-to-day, you only have yourself to curse.
I know with God’s help, I will get through all of this. However, it is not without agony, self-doubt and bitterness. I strive to emulate Jesus’ example on the cross. His complete subjection to his Father. One day, I pray, I will learn.
To say there is anger in me, is an understatement. I am angry at my body for betraying me. As I type this at the end of a long day, my shoulder muscles are cramping. I can feel my abdominal muscles are quivering against the metal of the Baclofen pump. I have heat moving around my body like clouds and I just want the day to end. Holding my head steady and my fingers on the home row of the keyboard is a challenge as my sore muscles begin their “twitch” dance.
I’ve been to another hemisphere and now, I can’t leave town on my own accord. My eyes have seen much, but now, my travel is almost completely limited to what the History Channel or National Geographic.
I was considering opening up my resources to pro-bono host web-sites for charitable organizations. I’m considering withdrawing my offer and going into seclusion. I don’t know if I have enough energy to do it. I’m tired in more ways than one.
There is only one set of footprints in the sand this evening.
Thanks, and God Bless,
Jay C. Theriot