I started this blog as a catharsis, but it has grown to mean more than that for other people and myself. From the feedback I am getting, and my own selfish reasons, this is what I surmise:
- A Catharsis for myself. This rapid change in life status is too much for me to handle and I needed a place to get it down and out of my head. There are four basic categories of my life that are affected: medical, cognitive, psycho-social and spiritual. I try to address all four. However, I fail on the psycho-social. Being from a large family and having nearly all of them turn their back on you is overwhelming. I still can’t express in words the feelings I experience.
- Information for friends. As a disabled person with a crazy-weird disease, you think about yourself a lot. Additionally, you are out and about with other humans, very little. You spend most of your time alone, thinking about life. You can’t even write much because of the pain of touching keys or holding a pen. When you are out and among humans, if they read the blog, they know how you are, and you don’t have to talk about it. You move on to other topics quickly. This experience is much preferred as it allows you to escape your malady for a time. You don’t have to think about your limitations and how to explain it to people. Instead, you can focus on your abilities, and what you can do for them.
- Helping other people in their lives. This one completely blows my mind. People are reading my blog to help them deal with family members that are suffering. They see what I am trying to articulate and it helps them better understand the internal workings of their loved ones. This is an extreme honor for me. The idea that someone is taking my words and agony and using it to better their relationships. Simply amazing.
On December 17th, 2016, a large part of me died. Since then, I have been reformed into something different. I hope it is an improved version of myself. I often doubt it. I can say, spiritually, I’ve never been better. There has only been one set of footprints in the sand for a while. I have given up. That is, I have given my problems up to God. He deals with them. I just deal with me. It is a weight that I cannot bare alone. I have rediscovered what the phrase “He is my Savior” means, in many different ways.
People say they are pleased to see me so positive about my condition. My glib answer is that I reckon I have about 40 years to live with this. They can be a miserable 40 years, or they can be joyful. I choose joyful. But, really, the answer is that this experience has brought me closer to God. And with that, I can’t help be joyful. Every day that I wake up breaking is a present. And when I can’t walk anymore, it is not God’s fault. I don’t blame him. I pray to him for him to touch me and give me strength to make it through another storm. And, then I rest.
Thanks for reading, and God Bless,
Jay C. Theriot